Returning to London

So right now I'm packing my things to return to London. And I can't wait.

I have an odd relationship with the city, being a poor person. As somebody who has never had what my family would call a "proper" job, i.e full time, with some sort of growing pay rate (I'm sure I'll come back to voice my distrust of such things another time) I can't really afford London, and therefore have lived in some of the "roughest" parts of the city. I can't afford to go out often, and therefore spend a lot of my time in my rather small room in my flat. Travel costs, you see. Not as much as outside of London, but enough to make a difference.

It's very hard to explain what you miss about London, until you're in this particular position, like I am, counting down the hours to return. When I'm there, sometimes I wonder why I'm bothering; I obviously can't afford to keep up with London, I mean next to nothing in the eyes of the big city, and, as a lot of my friends have found out, even if I did work full time I would still not really have enough money to enjoy life here. I've been thinking for a long time about the practical choices, and am facing them now, and am filled with heartache at the idea of quitting the city.

What makes London so magical is, in a way, it's overwhelming humanity despite the harshness. The fact that some of the greatest minds in the world flock to it. The fact that you can pay a fiver to go upstairs in a pub and witness some of the finest storytelling of your life. The ability to go see some of the most important artifcacts in the world for free in the museums. The walks, oh God, the walks. Nothing for me beats getting lost in London. Turning the corner into what seems like another world. The only thing that excludes me is money, but I don't feel that as harshly as when I return home.

I am very fortunate to have a group of very close friends whom I love. Dearly. I spent last night with most of them, ushering in the new year, and was struck by how happy I was in their company. We have all been friends since school, some of us since birth, and they remind me of all the positive things about myself, and indeed, about relationships. Returning to the town without them there feels like returning to a burnt out world. I cannot afford to live in this town in a way completely different to London. Rather than a lack of pounds, it is a lack of culture. The nearest accessible theatre, in fact the only accessible theatre, is half way back to London again in Stevenage. There are no galleries, no museums, in fact barely any shops within walking distance. The one great saviour is the walks; the town sits on the ancient sand hills, with beautiful stretches of woodland. But, strangely, I don't feel any enrichment from taking these walks. I feel that I have nothing to link it to.

London and I will likely be parting in June, in time for the Olympics. I don't think I could stay in the city for that time, and practicality is slowly but surely winning out. It's time to find what can support me, a way of affording the years ahead, of compromise on dreams. My partner is moving away from the U.K at this point also, and we have (so far) agreed to part on friendly terms then. I will also have come to the end of the majority of the taught classes of my degree. I want to make sure that all of those things are softened by the knowledge that I made the most of them.

My resolution for the new year is simple; enjoy the next six months as much as possible. Take in all I can from everything I care about. See the people I love. Enjoy the city I love. Enjoy being the "playwright" and not worrying about the next step. And seeing where it takes me.

Happy new year everyone x